It’s 6 AM on a warm June morning, and I can’t sleep. I’m never up this early. Not since my newspaper delivery days have I really been up this early. I’ve gone to bed this late a few times since then, but I’ve hardly risen before 6 AM, unless I absolutely have to. I went to bed really early. I came home from work feeling like someone whacked my head with an anvil, and was fast asleep by 10:30 PM, which never friggin’ happens. I’m having pre-gig jitters/excitement. My band, A Slanderous Choir, is playing a half hour set along with with several other bands in Hamden, CT tonight (www.myspace.com/aslanderouschoir, check us out!). We went over the setlist yesterday, and it all went good. Now I just wanna get out there, strap on my Jazzmaster and rock (especially with my new amp)! I woke up at 4 hungry, so I had some watermelon and an ice cream sandwich and what was left of a bottle of Hawaiian Punch. Nothing was on TV, except for an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (My motto for watching TV: when all else fails, SVU!), and I spent the hours of 4:30-approx. now scanning old notebooks and trying to write some lyrics for some new songs. I’ve had this crazy idea lately of creating a Zen Arcade-like rock opera chronicling two late teen/early 20 lovers experience live and love during perestroika-era Soviet Union, but everything I’ve written so far ends up sounding like trite crap. I should head to the library and do some research.
I’m pretty impersonal on this blog, as it has to do with music critiques and that type of shit. But I think this entry is music related, so here I am. The sun’s out but barely. I feel like I just got home from delivering newspapers. I listened to a lot of music during that time; I did it for 5 months straight for 2-4 hours per day, so let’s just say thank god for iPods. I kinda wish I still had that job. It was decent money, even if I paid through the nose come Tax Day (it was considered self-employment), and I didn’t have to deal with anybody. The occasional phone call from my boss to see if I needed supplies, or if a customer bitched that her newspaper had blown away or had gotten wet from the rain (I delivered to a lot of elderly people), or an early riser greeting me. But other than that it was an ideal job: Driving around, listening to music, getting fresh air and not dealing with anyone. My girlfriend came with me a lot during my runs too. Then again, I was pretty depressed during that time. I had lost my job at Starbucks, I wasn’t in school, and I was fighting some demons that took at least 4 years of my life away in the form of bad decisions and self-esteem issues.
I first heard PJ Harvey’s “Is This Desire” during these paper runs, and it seemed like the right song at the right time. It was melancholy, with a very somber sounding guitar and her fragile vocals. I had never been too big of a PJ Harvey fan before, even if I thought Rid of Me was one of the most riveting albums of the 90s, but she won me over with that song. As sad as that song is, there’s also hope in it. I remember sitting alone in my room not able to sleep, and having that song on repeat for hours. I was able to feel whatever it was I was feeling (failure, loneliness, depression, anxiety), and the song proved to be cathartic. It always reminds me of moments like these, when it’s 6 AM, you can’t sleep for whatever reason, and the sky is that shade of cadet blue/grey, and the sun is visible if you look east far enough. So I’ll leave you today with a performance of the song in Philadelphia dated 1 November, 1998. Take it away, Polly Jean!
Photo credit: www.travelpod.com