The Holiday Hoedown (Part 3): The Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever (#10-6)

"The shitter was full! We heard the new Justin Bieber Christmas album on the way here!"

 

Alright, I focused on the better part about Christmas, which is decent Christmas music (and some of it even fantastic). Unfortunately, in stores, restaurants, TV shows and pretty much everywhere, the good Christmas music is heavily outweighed by the perennial songs that make me want to shit in everyone’s stocking! Since I’m such a cynical twit (or, according to Fox News, a “War on Christmas” combatant), my favorite Christmas songs are mostly parodies of actual Christmas songs or holiday songs created by shows such as South Park. Since I also like music, bad Christmas music offends me.

So without further explanation, here is the first part of my top 10 holiday songs that make eating glass from a broken ornament sound more appetizing than candy canes and pumpkin pie.

 

#10. Wham! – “Last Christmas”

More than any other holiday song, this one makes it official for me that the holiday season has begun and at full throttle. Nothing makes me groan more than hearing the dulcet tones of jingle bells, 80s synths, drum machines more dated than disco and the crooning of George Michael (and that other guy)  going on about holiday heartbreak. And to think, this was when people thought he was straight.

Here’s the “literal” video

#9. Mariah Carey – “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

Another song that isn’t necessarily horrible, even if I am no fan of Mariah Carey. I could deal with it if every time I heard it in a public place, every girl who thinks she can sing didn’t sing along to this at a high volume! The mall is not a forum for a holiday-themed American Idol audition, tan white girl wearing sweatpants that say PINK across your ass! This is not Christmas at the Apollo, black girls at my restaurant having a Christmas party! Plus, my girlfriend told me a lovely story about how during her senior year in high school, they had a holiday assembly and a girl who we both mutually hate sang this song wearing a blue sequin tube top. I think I’ll shove a reindeer antler up my ass!

 

#8. Adam Sandler – “The Hanukkah Song”

I’n an equal opportunity hater. But seriously, this song sucks. I don’t care if David Lee Roth lights a menorah, or anyone else for that matter. It doesn’t make me like or hate anyone any less. Plus, Adam Sandler’s vocal range has exactly two settings: Aggressive-yet-silly frat boy, or a 6-year-old kid. That Thanksgiving song he did bites it too. And he hasn’t made a good movie since Billy Madison.

But finally, an atheism holiday song. A parody of “The Hanukkah Song,” and the guy does a good Sandler imitation.

 

#7. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”

This song is just friggin’ creepy! I know Santa Claus is a way to get kids to behave, and the threat of getting coal in your stocking is a real one when you’re 5, but as you get older, lyrics like “He sees you when you’re sleeping” just sound like he’s stalking you. Especially when you get the age where you have to rub one out just to fall asleep.

The Springsteen rendition of this song is the most annoying. Then again, the only Springsteen I care for is his more darker stuff (Nebraska, ftw!).

 

#6. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

Ummm…. gross. The last thing I want to picture is my mom kissing an old fat dude in a red suit and a white beard. The last thing I want to picture my mom intimately active with anybody at all, let alone Kris Kringle!

"Not on Christmas!!!!!!"

 

I think that’s enough bad Christmas songs for one day. The final 5 are coming tomorrow.

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The Holiday Hoedown (Part 2): Top 10 Favorite Holiday Songs (#5-1)

"Howdy Ho! Boy, I sure love these Christmas songs!!!!"

 

It’s been 55 degrees and rainy the past few days. This time of year, it’s usually 35 degrees and teetering on snow. Bah humbug… again!

Here’s #5-1 of my personal favorite Christmas tunes.

#5. The Sonics – “Don’t Believe in Christmas” & “Santa Claus”

These Seattle protopunk legends must have had a few crappy Christmases if they don’t believe it in anymore. This doesn’t stop them from asking for “a brand new car/ a twangy guitar/a cute little honey/and lots of money.” Sounds reasonable enough.

#4. Aqua Teen Hunger Force – “Frosty the Red-Nosed Snowman”

Meatwad, the infantile smartass from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, gets Rudolph and Frosty mixed up, and comes up with a hilarious Christmas classic, with their white trash neighbor Carl chiming in “like a lightbulb!” at all the wrong moments. Not that this song is right to begin with. :)

 

#3. Kate Bush – “December Will Be Magic Again”

If you want to get me what I really want for Christmas this year, it’s a 20 year old Kate Bush under my tree. No? 25 year old Kate Bush circa The Dreaming? Kate Bush now? No? Well, thanks anyway.

 

#2. The Peanuts Gang/Vince Guaraldi – “Christmas Time is Here”

Every year, my mom and I watch A Charlie Brown Christmas together. This year, it’ll be pretty heavy as I mentioned earlier, this is my last one home before moving 3000 miles across the country. This sad-happy song just made me think of that…

You know, this is probably the only legit Christmas classic I put on this list.

Honorable mention: “Linus & Lucy”

 

#1. The Ramones – “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”

Right on, boys! Christmas is not the time for bickering! Hopefully, the Ramones put their shit aside for holidays….And hopefully, they are now throwing an awesome holiday party (since Joey was Jewish) up in heaven :(

 

And after this will come the 10 Christmas songs that make me dread the holiday season.

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The Holiday Hoedown (Part 1): Top 10 Favorite Holiday Songs (#10-6)

"Oh, good grief. It's fuckin' Christmas again!"

Well, it’s the holiday season once again, and this time it really came too quickly. It’s unseasonably warm out still, especially for New England, Black Friday resulted in a clusterfuck of incidents (ranging from a chick using pepper spray to get an XBox, to people trampling over a dead guy), and this is gonna be my last Christmas in Connecticut before I move to Seattle next spring. Put it this way; I’m not fucking ready for Christmas. I haven’t even asked anybody what the hell they want yet.

That doesn’t stop my job and TV and radio from blasting Christmas songs continuously until Christmas Day until I wanna vomit blood! So for the next few posts, I will list my 10 favorite Christmas songs and the ten Christmas songs that make me not blame December for having a high suicide count! In the festive spirit of the holidays, spreading good cheer and all that other crap, I’ll go with the ones I like first.

Disclaimer:

A lot of the Christmas songs I view positively are parodies of Christmas songs. Bah humbug!

 

#10. Eric Cartman – “Kyle’s Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D Minor.”

httpv://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/185664/kyles-moms-a-stupid-bitch

Technically, this is not a Christmas song. It’s a song Eric Cartman suggested to sing for South Park Elementary’s “Nondenominational Nonoffensive Holiday Play,” and since Kyle Broflovski’s mom made it that way, Eric belted this one out in her honor. The music to the holiday play ended up being composed by Philip Glass, which just got everyone even more pissed off.

And in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, kids from around the world sang this song in their native tongues! Nondenominational for sure, and nonoffensive, except for Kyle’s mom, and Mr. Hankey who nosedives into Cartman’s face in anger at the song’s conclusion.

Honorable Mention:

Mr. Garrison – “Merry Fucking Christmas”

So, there are people in the world who live in other countries who adhere to different religious and cultural beliefs, and therefore do not celebrate Christmas. And Mr. Garrison is having none of that…

httpv://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/151670/merry-fing-christmas

#9. The Kinks – “Father Christmas”

Who better to help usher in the holiday season than the Kinks, who wrote this cheerful little ditty about some poor hooligans who beat up a department store Father Christmas demanding money instead of “silly toys?” Probably no one.

#8. “Weird Al” Yankovic – “The Night Santa Went Crazy”

Everybody’s favorite pop culture parody maker, “Weird Al” Yankovic, tries his hand in writing an original Christmas song. And he writes one about St. Nick going postal, blowing up his workshop, making his elves hostages, and butchering his reindeer. According to him, Blitzen tastes like something you’d get at KFC. And Santa has 685 years left in the clink before they let him out.

#7. Bob Rivers – “I Am Santa Claus”

Comedian Bob Rivers has a whole slew of parody Christmas songs, but his most notable one was this one. I hear this one all the time and it’s a pretty faithful rendition of “Iron Man.” If I want Santa at my house first, I’m leaving him a case of Sapporo!

#6. Run DMC – “Christmas in Hollis”

Obviously. No Christmas was complete without rocking out to this. That elf in the video better not have erroneously marked me as naughty during his fun time on Santa’s database!

And songs #5-1 will be posted tomorrow! And hopefully, the YouTube/video plug-in will start cooperating!

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10 Years Gone: George Harrison

Well, with the holiday season in full swing, me working 2 jobs to put away money to move, and life’s endless sources of stress, I completely forgot that November 29th marked the 10 year anniversary of George Harrison’s death. And I had intended to write something about it to mark the event. I’m such a lousy blogkeeper.

Anyway. I was a sophomore in high school, 9/11 just happened, and 2001 in general kind of sucked. My friend had told me that George Harrison died. I didn’t believe him at first because a year or two before that he told me that someone else had died but it turned out he was just playing a practical joke. Then I walked into my homeroom, and my homeroom teacher (and later English teacher and friend) was sporting his infamous Sargent Pepper tie, and was like “ya hear about George?” And it sucked. George was probably my favorite Beatle, and I was in the middle of a pretty heavy Beatles phase at the time of his death.

I suppose it had been coming, as he was basically riddled with cancer, but he had occasionally blurted out reports that he wasn’t dying and he would beat the cancer, even if sources said otherwise (he had an inoperable brain tumor). My naivete sided with George’s words, and I remember kind of being mad at him for putting on this game face that the cancer he had was just like a bad toothache; with some work it’d go away within time. Then again, I was 16 and stupid, and didn’t know how to deal with anything.

George Harrison was a singular character. He was the perfect mix of the other three Beatles. He had the serious and idealistic side of John Lennon, except not as angry and bitter. He had the more playful side of Paul McCartney, but not as tacky. He also had a very humorous side much like Ringo Starr, except not as Ringo-ish. He also had the prettiest wives of all the Beatles, and one of them never tried singing on a Beatles record or one of his solo records (and thank God). Patty Boyd was a looker back in her day, and Olivia Arias still looks pretty good at 63. He also had the best solo career out of all of them, with All Things Must Pass serving as the crown jewel.

To remember George, I’m posting my 5 favorite songs by him, both with his career with the Beatles and as a solo artist.

1. “Taxman” (Revolver, 1966)

The Beatles were so popular they had their own cartoon too! But this is a great song reflecting Britain’s tax code and how the Beatles paid through the nose come tax day.

2. “Long, Long, Long”

One of the best Beatles tracks, and one of the most underrated. It didn’t have too much of a chance to be noticed after being placed after the sonic frenzy of “Helter Skelter” on the White Album.

3. “I’d Have You Any Time”

The first track from All Things Must Pass, co-written with Bob Dylan. A sublimely gorgeous track.

4. “All Things Must Pass”

Sad but uplifting.

5. “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”

 

I always liked this solo acoustic version, found on the third installment of the Beatles Anthology. Very sparse and haunting. And no Eric Clapton solo! (I don’t like Eric Clapton…)

HONORABLE MENTION:

Monty Python’s “The Lumberjack Song”

He was a frequent collaborator with the Monty Python guys.

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Wow, the Record Buying Public Gets Something Right For a Change!

So, the biggest single this year was arguably Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep,” with her album, 21, being credited for getting the record industry out of a slump. And you know what? She deserves it!

I finally heard “Rolling in the Deep,” or at least knowing so, not too long ago and just was completely enamored with Adele’s passionate and yearning vocals. Very soulful for a white British girl of 23. I’m finding it difficult to believe that the mainstream record buying public is going for an artist like Adele. She’s not overly skinny, she’s not conventionally pretty the way you would think of Christina Aguilera or Katy Perry, and her vocals aren’t Auto-Tuned half to death. But 21 has spent 13 weeks atop the US Album Charts so far, and has sold millions worldwide.

Last week, I sat down and listened to 21 several times. Is it one of the best albums I’ve ever heard? A very far cry from that: The lyrics are kind of trite, and the production on some songs is a bit too glossy for my tastes. It would be refreshing if Adele focused on themes other than lost love. But she makes the songs convincing more than most people, and she has a voice so compelling and so rich she could read off a menu at a Chinese restaurant and I’ll still develop a boner!

Aside from “Rolling in the Deep,” perhaps the only hit single in the past 10 years that has really touched me, there’s “Someone Like You,” a piano-and-vocal only ballad that is a tearjerker, and is also the only song to be a #1 hit in the US consisting solely of piano & vocals (and what better song to do that than that one!). Some of the songs are not as memorable, but much to my surprise, the best song on 21 is a cover of The Cure’s hit song, “Lovesong.” It’s a bossa-nova influenced track that Rick Rubin supposedly wanted to give to Barbra Streisand (and WHY?!?!?!?!), and to counter Robert Smith’s song he wrote as a wedding present to his wife, Adele makes it a lovesick tale of yearning for her lover, with a vocal delivery to make a person question why anyone would ever leave her. It definitely gives the song a new life for me, as I had a hard time listening to it after 311′s atrocious cover of it for a shitty Adam Sandler movie!

I hope Adele grows as an artist – a creative writing class would help her lyrically, for some constructive criticism. Recently, she has had some problems concerning a vocal cord hemorrhage, forcing her to cancel some tours. Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery.

And so what if she’s a tad bit overweight? It’s not like she’s Aretha Franklin at her worst or Ralphie May! Sorry she doesn’t have a dress size in negative numbers, and it’s nice and refreshing to see a successful pop star with a little meat on her bones! So shut the fuck up, haters!

Here’s a funny SNL skit featuring “Someone Like You”

Her cover of “Lovesong”

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New Album Review: Kate Bush – 50 Words For Snow (Fish Music, 2011)

 

Earlier this year, Kate Bush released Director’s Cut, an album that had her reworking 11 songs from some of her earlier albums. It was good, but a lot of the remakes were unnecessary considering they were fine the way they were. I was gonna do an “Old v. New” segment, but I couldn’t do it for 11 fucking songs, since all but maybe 4 were basically redone with the same arrangements but a semitone downtuned to adapt to Bush’s voice, which has aged magnificently I might add.

Director’s Cut got pretty mixed reviews with basically most people wanting new Kate Bush material. Turns out she had an ace up her sleeve, because she’s releasing this new album, called 50 Words For Snow, next week. It has leaked, thanks to an advance listening courtesy of NPR, and I had to listen. As of this writing, I’m already on my third listening.

When I first saw the track listing, I saw that it had 7 songs averaging at over 9 minutes. I thought, My God, she’s treading in Opeth territory!  I was wondering what this album would sound like.

Whatever preconceived perceptions you have of Kate Bush, be prepared to toss them out the window. There’s nothing on 50 Words of Snow resembling a single even remotely. Bush has always kept her listeners on her toes and doing whatever the fuck she wanted whenever she wanted, even making devotees wait up to 12 years for a new album. But even her last proper album, 2005′s Aerial, a very challenging double record, had a few cuts worthy of airplay. Not this.

It’s a very piano-driven record with minimal percussion, provided by noted session man Steve Gadd, classical-influenced themes setting the tone for every one of the 7 tracks, otherworldly vocals and endless doses of ambience.  This has drawn comparisons to the later works of Talk Talk, particularly their swan song, Laughing Stock (another album that has turned 20 this year). The silent intensity of the album continues with each track, the focal point being a duet with Elton John of all people called “Snowed in at Wheeler Street,” which shows a couple trying to hold on to each other. Both of them give passionate deliveries, especially the chorus where they both belt “I don’t want to lose you!” I’m not a fan of Sir Elton, but he delivers on this track.

I can’t find the right words on how this album makes me feel. I’m just fucking glad that Kate Bush has managed to wow me with an album, and she still has the spirit to make riveting music after all this time. I didn’t think she was capable of another masterwork.

I was wrong. And never more glad to be wrong.

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