
"The shitter was full! We heard the new Justin Bieber Christmas album on the way here!"
Alright, I focused on the better part about Christmas, which is decent Christmas music (and some of it even fantastic). Unfortunately, in stores, restaurants, TV shows and pretty much everywhere, the good Christmas music is heavily outweighed by the perennial songs that make me want to shit in everyone’s stocking! Since I’m such a cynical twit (or, according to Fox News, a “War on Christmas” combatant), my favorite Christmas songs are mostly parodies of actual Christmas songs or holiday songs created by shows such as South Park. Since I also like music, bad Christmas music offends me.
So without further explanation, here is the first part of my top 10 holiday songs that make eating glass from a broken ornament sound more appetizing than candy canes and pumpkin pie.
#10. Wham! – “Last Christmas”
More than any other holiday song, this one makes it official for me that the holiday season has begun and at full throttle. Nothing makes me groan more than hearing the dulcet tones of jingle bells, 80s synths, drum machines more dated than disco and the crooning of George Michael (and that other guy) going on about holiday heartbreak. And to think, this was when people thought he was straight.
Here’s the “literal” video
#9. Mariah Carey – “All I Want For Christmas Is You”
Another song that isn’t necessarily horrible, even if I am no fan of Mariah Carey. I could deal with it if every time I heard it in a public place, every girl who thinks she can sing didn’t sing along to this at a high volume! The mall is not a forum for a holiday-themed American Idol audition, tan white girl wearing sweatpants that say PINK across your ass! This is not Christmas at the Apollo, black girls at my restaurant having a Christmas party! Plus, my girlfriend told me a lovely story about how during her senior year in high school, they had a holiday assembly and a girl who we both mutually hate sang this song wearing a blue sequin tube top. I think I’ll shove a reindeer antler up my ass!
#8. Adam Sandler – “The Hanukkah Song”
I’n an equal opportunity hater. But seriously, this song sucks. I don’t care if David Lee Roth lights a menorah, or anyone else for that matter. It doesn’t make me like or hate anyone any less. Plus, Adam Sandler’s vocal range has exactly two settings: Aggressive-yet-silly frat boy, or a 6-year-old kid. That Thanksgiving song he did bites it too. And he hasn’t made a good movie since Billy Madison.
But finally, an atheism holiday song. A parody of “The Hanukkah Song,” and the guy does a good Sandler imitation.
#7. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
This song is just friggin’ creepy! I know Santa Claus is a way to get kids to behave, and the threat of getting coal in your stocking is a real one when you’re 5, but as you get older, lyrics like “He sees you when you’re sleeping” just sound like he’s stalking you. Especially when you get the age where you have to rub one out just to fall asleep.
The Springsteen rendition of this song is the most annoying. Then again, the only Springsteen I care for is his more darker stuff (Nebraska, ftw!).
#6. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Ummm…. gross. The last thing I want to picture is my mom kissing an old fat dude in a red suit and a white beard. The last thing I want to picture my mom intimately active with anybody at all, let alone Kris Kringle!
"Not on Christmas!!!!!!"
I think that’s enough bad Christmas songs for one day. The final 5 are coming tomorrow.




